have you ever lied to or cheated on someone? you know that feeling you get when you do that sort of thing? ... that low ache in your stomach that makes you feel like you're going to throw up... the heart ache that comes along with knowing that you're hurting someone... the disappointment you have in yourself... you know what i'm talking about?
well let me tell you a little story about when those feelings apply to motherhood.
#1 - when you take your child to daycare for that first day (regardless if you "need" to use daycare or not...), let me assure you that those lying and cheating feelings are inside of you. and if you don't cry as you walk out of that daycare (leaving your baby behind, crying also), then you have issues.
#2 - when you have a child that you love SO very much and you are about to have another, well, you also have those lying and cheating feelings.
i have been continually concerned with my ability to love something else. as any mother of a single child knows... you really think that you give your only child 100% of your love. and, i wasn't sure how i was going to "make room" for another. now i've talked about this fear with several of my friends (and relatives) who have more than 1 child, and they all assure me that the love comes, not to worry about loving one more or less... and no matter how much i talked about it, it still remained a fear.
about 5pm on sunday, i realized i was gonna have to deal with this issue. quickly.
this all came about when i started having contractions. i had just a few, but they were painful. painful enough to remind me that i was about to have a baby, and no matter what i thought or felt, it was gonna happen sooner than later.
along with the pain came tears. tears that started because of the pain, but ended in something entirely different. i was scared: scared of the pain, scared that i was going to have another baby, scared that it was going to cause me to love kendal less (i.e. to share that 100% of love i had, i'd have to split it 50/50 between the 2 kids).
Saturday, January 3, 2009
loving another part 1
have you ever lied to or cheated on someone? you know that feeling you get when you do that sort of thing? ... that low ache in your stomach that makes you feel like you're going to throw up... the heart ache that comes along with knowing that you're hurting someone... the disappointment you have in yourself... you know what i'm talking about?
well let me tell you a little story about when those feelings apply to motherhood.
#1 - when you take your child to daycare for that first day (regardless if you "need" to use daycare or not...), let me assure you that those lying and cheating feelings are inside of you. and if you don't cry as you walk out of that daycare (leaving your baby behind, crying also), then you have issues.
#2 - when you have a child that you love SO very much and you are about to have another, well, you also have those lying and cheating feelings.
i have been continually concerned with my ability to love something else. as any mother of a single child knows... you really think that you give your only child 100% of your love. and, i wasn't sure how i was going to "make room" for another. now i've talked about this fear with several of my friends (and relatives) who have more than 1 child, and they all assure me that the love comes, not to worry about loving one more or less... and no matter how much i talked about it, it still remained a fear.
about 5pm on sunday, i realized i was gonna have to deal with this issue. quickly.
this all came about when i started having contractions. i had just a few, but they were painful. painful enough to remind me that i was about to have a baby, and no matter what i thought or felt, it was gonna happen sooner than later.
along with the pain came tears. tears that started because of the pain, but ended in something entirely different. i was scared: scared of the pain, scared that i was going to have another baby, scared that it was going to cause me to love kendal less (i.e. to share that 100% of love i had, i'd have to split it 50/50 between the 2 kids).
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