sunday evening (dec. 21st) i couldn't eat. i was so upset from the pending appt for the next day (induction) that i didn't even want to smell food. after the whole drama of me crying and having to go lie in mom and dad's bed until i calmed down... (which also lying down stopped the contractions...) we opened christmas presents (which was tons of fun, paper flying everywhere!) and then we got ready to leave.
kissing kendal, my only child, my baby boy, bye-bye for the next few days was harder than the first time i left him with mamaw back a year ago for nathaniel's birthday. i felt so horrible for him, he was loosing his 100% mama, would he still love me as much if i was always holding and nurturing another baby? would he understand that it would all work out in the months to come as i was raising his baby sister, someone for him to love and play with for the rest of his life? would he still love me as much?
well we kissed good bye and as i walked out the door, melissa said "don't worry, you'll find the love. really it'll only multiply for the both of them. just wait and you'll see." it was like she knew all along what my real problem was. suppose that is what sisters are for. anyway, i took a deep breath and held back the tears once again.
so fast forward 16 hours, about 1pm on monday after about 4 hours of a pitocin drip, the contractions were finally hard and fast enough for me to request an epidural. (well, the contractions were bad, but so was my migraine - yeah, i was paying for not eating the day before!) even at the point when i asked for the epidural, i started to cry. i was crying because of fear - fear of having/loving another child, not fear the epidural would hurt (which it did not).
fast forward again 6 hours... i remember the first time i had that "urge to push", again i felt that low, sad - lying and cheating - feeling in my gut.
but i pushed, barely, and out she came.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
loving another part 2
sunday evening (dec. 21st) i couldn't eat. i was so upset from the pending appt for the next day (induction) that i didn't even want to smell food. after the whole drama of me crying and having to go lie in mom and dad's bed until i calmed down... (which also lying down stopped the contractions...) we opened christmas presents (which was tons of fun, paper flying everywhere!) and then we got ready to leave.
kissing kendal, my only child, my baby boy, bye-bye for the next few days was harder than the first time i left him with mamaw back a year ago for nathaniel's birthday. i felt so horrible for him, he was loosing his 100% mama, would he still love me as much if i was always holding and nurturing another baby? would he understand that it would all work out in the months to come as i was raising his baby sister, someone for him to love and play with for the rest of his life? would he still love me as much?
well we kissed good bye and as i walked out the door, melissa said "don't worry, you'll find the love. really it'll only multiply for the both of them. just wait and you'll see." it was like she knew all along what my real problem was. suppose that is what sisters are for. anyway, i took a deep breath and held back the tears once again.
so fast forward 16 hours, about 1pm on monday after about 4 hours of a pitocin drip, the contractions were finally hard and fast enough for me to request an epidural. (well, the contractions were bad, but so was my migraine - yeah, i was paying for not eating the day before!) even at the point when i asked for the epidural, i started to cry. i was crying because of fear - fear of having/loving another child, not fear the epidural would hurt (which it did not).
fast forward again 6 hours... i remember the first time i had that "urge to push", again i felt that low, sad - lying and cheating - feeling in my gut.
but i pushed, barely, and out she came.
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do you remember being jealous of melissa when she was born? or being mad at mom/dad for not being 100% on you? even better, do you remember being jealous of me when i was born, since you were much older?i don't think kendal knows what it is to be jealous of holly, much less mad at you for nurturing another. i know he can get mad because he isn't getting what he needs at that moment but he can't hold a grudge.
ReplyDeletetrue, no i don't remember feeling like that at all. suppose i was more worried about my own feelings than kendals, as he is only 15 months... he won't remember any of this!
ReplyDeleteComing from a family with 5 children (one of whom was born when two of us were in our teens and definitely old enough to feel "slighted" (I didn't; can't speak for T-One); I can tell you that I never felt any lack of love, attention, etc. from my parents. Yeah, there were (and still are) times when they had/have to devote a lot more "attention" than I'd like to my sisters, but, frankly, that just makes me feel badly for my parents, not upset or jealous or unloved.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I might have been annoyed from time to time about something to do with a sibling, but, seriously, when you are a kid, all sorts of things annoy you if you don't get "your way"!
I can bet dollars to doughnuts it was far far far harder on my parents than it ever was on us (each of us having four brothers/sisters)since they were the ones that had to devote all the time and energy and love.
I also am really, really glad I have siblings. I've know only children who, although they felt incredibly loved by their parents, had to face a lot of hard times alone when their parents passed away.
So, although I cannot personally speak to where you are coming from (except from the perspective of owning pets...not exactly the same but I suppose I do feel some guilt over Lucy getting dissed a bit now that we have Pete and Lily), Kendal (and Holly), in the long run, will be better off because they will have each other.
Well, I'll be honest -- I *was* jealous when Kate was born. I had been the baby for almost 8 years and now I didn't have that attention. As the mama of four, close in age kids, I would say that you and I (though not purposely on my part) made it easier on our kids. My girls don't know of a time when they were the only child. So there is not any jealousy. Bubba still remembers, I think, being the baby, but he is just so thrilled to have another boy that it doesn't matter :-)
ReplyDeleteI should qualify that the jealousy did pass quickly :-) but it was there initially
ReplyDelete