while reading to kendal...

tonight i was sitting in the rocking chair with kendal in my lap and reading him books. i opened one that i unfortunately have not read more than the first few pages... it is a book that kendal's aunt kathy gave to him this past summer when she was here for the walbring family reunion. it really is a cute book, i'm not sure why i haven't read it before now except that it has paper pages and i was afraid that kendal would tear them. anyway, i was admiring the creative stories and graphics used in the book, which by the way is remy charlip's "arm in arm" and i got to this page: lol i immediately thought of nathaniel and amy... and then kathy. it would have been nice to know them growing up. i bet they had lots of neat books like this. one day, we will get a pete and repeat. even if they are just 2 fish. this book reminds me of another book that someone once gave me... i wonder if i can find it because i can't remember what it is called! something about a sidewalk...

a mirror of time

i remember back in august when we had our 20 week ultrasound, there was a moment that the image went over holly's face and i just knew she'd look like kendal. i mean... like the spitting image of him. it was amazing how much they looked alike... in an ultrasound. fast forward 20 weeks later... once holly was born, she looked kinda like kendal, but something about her was different. turns out that it is just the shape of her head that is different (her head is "normal" sized, not as big as his) plus her chin is a little more defined than his ever was. anyway, it wasn't too many hours after she was born that i could see myself in her. and the next day when my mom and dad (and k) came to visit, my mom told me that she looked just like i did when i was a baby. even now, it is like looking through a mirror of time. so, i decided to find a picture of me when i was a baby, and see if she was right. i found the "my mommy when she was a baby" picture i had glued in his kendal's baby book. it was breathtaking... see for yourself! me at 2 weeks: holly at birth: holly at 1 week:

a few kendal videos

some cute kendal videos... this one is of his fire truck siren sound... he is totally into making sound effects now. anyway, i handed him the camera so the craziness at the end is his doing... this is one of him laughing and playing with his dad. he loves all his new toys, but this one he hasn't really played with yet. it is really an 18 month or a 2 year toy, so i kinda knew he was a little young for it. but, i figured he'd grow into it eventually... well he thought it was REALLY funny when the tow truck and the "broken down car" (which is driven by a woman holding a cell phone) ride down the ramp. and for any of you with little kids and wood floors... those pads k is sitting on - well my mom gave us a set (of 4), and nathaniel's mom gave us a huge set of them with the alphabet on them... and after putting BOTH sets on the floor around the couch and spots he cruises (to help cushion his falls), i went out and bought ANOTHER set for his toy area. they really do great for those cold, hard floors. i recommend getting some! fortunately they are cheap! (and you can find them everywhere!) also, kendal is scooting pretty efficiently now. yesterday katelyn sat him down in front of the couch, i was sitting at the front door trying to lure the cats over so i could give them their flea drops. anyway, within moments, kendal had scooted all the way over to me. after i was done, i hopped up and went to the trash can - he scooted to me there too! it is funny to watch him do it. one day i'll catch it on video and post it...

first night alone

wanted to report that tonight was my first time alone with both children... kendal must have known that i was stressed about it - i was worried that he'd whine and cry the whole night (as when 1 cries, the other does too). but, i am happy to say that he didn't even let out one whine - and at 8pm we got in the bed and read books... and at 8:20 i said "are you ready to go night night?" and he grabbed his blanket and monk monk and reached for me. so... we got a paci and i laid him in his crib, by the time i got out of his room and turned on the monitor, he had already rolled over. so, he surprisingly was tired, even after his late 3-4:30 nap! holly slept the whole time (sure we'll pay for that later when she wants to stay awake at 3am) except for the 1 time i fed her. she did great, he did great... maybe i CAN make it next week when nathaniel goes back to work!

loving another part 2

sunday evening (dec. 21st) i couldn't eat. i was so upset from the pending appt for the next day (induction) that i didn't even want to smell food. after the whole drama of me crying and having to go lie in mom and dad's bed until i calmed down... (which also lying down stopped the contractions...) we opened christmas presents (which was tons of fun, paper flying everywhere!) and then we got ready to leave. kissing kendal, my only child, my baby boy, bye-bye for the next few days was harder than the first time i left him with mamaw back a year ago for nathaniel's birthday. i felt so horrible for him, he was loosing his 100% mama, would he still love me as much if i was always holding and nurturing another baby? would he understand that it would all work out in the months to come as i was raising his baby sister, someone for him to love and play with for the rest of his life? would he still love me as much? well we kissed good bye and as i walked out the door, melissa said "don't worry, you'll find the love. really it'll only multiply for the both of them. just wait and you'll see." it was like she knew all along what my real problem was. suppose that is what sisters are for. anyway, i took a deep breath and held back the tears once again. so fast forward 16 hours, about 1pm on monday after about 4 hours of a pitocin drip, the contractions were finally hard and fast enough for me to request an epidural. (well, the contractions were bad, but so was my migraine - yeah, i was paying for not eating the day before!) even at the point when i asked for the epidural, i started to cry. i was crying because of fear - fear of having/loving another child, not fear the epidural would hurt (which it did not). fast forward again 6 hours... i remember the first time i had that "urge to push", again i felt that low, sad - lying and cheating - feeling in my gut. but i pushed, barely, and out she came.

loving another part 1

have you ever lied to or cheated on someone? you know that feeling you get when you do that sort of thing? ... that low ache in your stomach that makes you feel like you're going to throw up... the heart ache that comes along with knowing that you're hurting someone... the disappointment you have in yourself... you know what i'm talking about? well let me tell you a little story about when those feelings apply to motherhood. #1 - when you take your child to daycare for that first day (regardless if you "need" to use daycare or not...), let me assure you that those lying and cheating feelings are inside of you. and if you don't cry as you walk out of that daycare (leaving your baby behind, crying also), then you have issues. #2 - when you have a child that you love SO very much and you are about to have another, well, you also have those lying and cheating feelings. i have been continually concerned with my ability to love something else. as any mother of a single child knows... you really think that you give your only child 100% of your love. and, i wasn't sure how i was going to "make room" for another. now i've talked about this fear with several of my friends (and relatives) who have more than 1 child, and they all assure me that the love comes, not to worry about loving one more or less... and no matter how much i talked about it, it still remained a fear. about 5pm on sunday, i realized i was gonna have to deal with this issue. quickly. this all came about when i started having contractions. i had just a few, but they were painful. painful enough to remind me that i was about to have a baby, and no matter what i thought or felt, it was gonna happen sooner than later. along with the pain came tears. tears that started because of the pain, but ended in something entirely different. i was scared: scared of the pain, scared that i was going to have another baby, scared that it was going to cause me to love kendal less (i.e. to share that 100% of love i had, i'd have to split it 50/50 between the 2 kids).

JUST A QUICK BLOG

oops my caps was on - thanks to kendal i'm sure! one of his favorite things to play with is my keyboard (the wireless one, i just unplug it so he can type away without messing anything up!) i still haven't found my moby wrap. in the mean time, i bought one off ebay for half the price i paid for the first one. (incidentally, the wrap is still worth the higher price to me... i LOVE my moby!) so now i have a black one (thats the new one) and a brown one (if i can ever find it)! last night i put holly in it, she didn't seem to mind at all! (kendal loved it too when he was a baby!) speaking of kendal, last night we took a bunch of random shots... and i thought this one was cute of kendal. so representative of him right now... multiple drool drops and all. i swear if he was made of real sugar (not baby sugar), his eyes would be the yummiest chocolate. just look at that color! i never knew brown eyes could be so appetizing!