life according to email

i got this in an email and thought it was too funny not to share.  since i'm not big into forwarding emails, this is a good place to share it.


As we finish up the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
. . Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read my blog with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Here is a very humorous note that's being shared on Facebook.  I'm not sure who the original author is to give credit to, but it's too cute not to post here.  Enjoy and pass it along!

Lesson 1 

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice.) If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say "it's all worth it"! Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

A Symbolic Dream

I had a very symbolic dream about my grandma, tuter.

It all took place inside her house, which has three main rooms.  It started in the middle room, and everything was clean and decluttered.  All the antique tables had doileys on them with large bowls or lamps sitting in the middle.  It looked very much like a museum and, in retrospect, the tables and lamps were from all over the house and on display in that room.  My family will know what I mean when I describe the locations, but when you walked in, there was a high table on the right.  That table was where the phone was for the longest time.  I looked for a rotary phone, but there was a large box style black, cordless phone there.  The refrigerator was gone.  The TV was also not in that room, nor was the china hutch. All the drawers in all the tables were empty.  The place was totally empty of clutter, the carpet even appeared clean and fluffy.

I noticed that in the hallway where the bathroom was, the closet door was open and the light was on.  I looked in there because as a child, we were not allowed in that room.  It was a bathroom fashioned in the early 1900s I guess with a toilet and a sink.  I said to mom (who was there at that point) “I didn’t know there was a toilet in there” and she replied “I didn’t either!” which I thought was interesting since she grew up in that house.

So, back to the middle room –and, at this point I was alone again.  In place of the china hutch was another tall table made from a lighter-stained wood.  It had a lace table cloth on it.  On the table was music books (meaning books from which you would use to play piano or guitar and sing) – and they weren’t classical music like the décor would suggest, they were 70s and 80s bands.  None that I recognized though. 

There was also a cardboard piece with 4 pictures of grandma and granddaddy harris taped on it.  The pictures and the tape were all old and yellow.  It was propped up on back of the light-colored table.

Then I looked into the kitchen and noticed it looked clean.  I could see gold, flowered wallpaper (I don’t even remember if there was wallpaper in the real kitchen) and that it was really light in there.  I walked in and the room was mostly empty.  The stove was bare – no pots or pans hanging on the wall, the sink was also empty as was the counter that was usually covered in cups and dishes.  The kitchen table was also gone.  When you walk in the kitchen, the cabinets on the right were all barely popped open I tried to shut them but they just popped back open like the latch wouldn’t work.  They were 6 doors, 3 on each side (not even sure if this is how they actually are) and they were beige/yellow.  And, at this point they became sort of sticky.  Not to my hands but when I would try to shut them, they would stick but not shut.  I opened one and they were packed full with pennies.  The pennies weren’t in a container, but they were cemented in place, in a way.  There were also bags of reeces pieces, M&Ms, gummy bears, and other types of candies in large Ziploc bags on top of the pennies.  The cabinets were packed from top to bottom with this stuff.  I didn’t try to move any of the pennies for fear they’d all fall out.

I moved on to realize the refrigerator was also gone.  In the place of it was a stair-step like cabinet.  In it was 12 of several items like toboggans and some toys like slinkys and things.  I figured that tuter had bought those things for her grandchildren.  And, I thought about putting on one of the toboggans because I was cold.  So I kept moving to the back door but at that point I noticed a big sink (not sure if that was there in real life) and then realized the walls were a black, wooly type substance.  The back door had been replaced with sort of a hybrid door that was thick and metal and had a latch like between a walk-in refrigerator and a submarine door.  I didn’t know how to work it so I turned around – to realize that all the walls in there were made of that black material.  It was dark.  So I walked to the door of the kitchen.  The middle room also had black walls and the only light I could see was the light from the windows that were beside the TV in the front room. 

I never walked further, but what I could see was the old brown/plaid couch and two chairs and nothing else in the front room.  And, that the front door also had that hybrid door.  

Then I heard what sounded like cats running in the attic.  I wondered if it was squirrels.  But, in my sleep, I said to myself  “maybe it is my cats” so I moved my feet and felt the cats at them.  So, I realized that my cats were not running so that that noise was really in my dream.  Then I heard the cry of a baby doll.  I wondered who would be playing with a baby doll since I thought I was alone in the house.  So, I decided that the house was haunted with ghosts so I woke up.

And then I repeated the dream over and over and over for about and hour so that I wouldn’t forget it.

Goodness knows it must be hard to live all your life and then not be able to hear or see.  I wonder if she has ghosts in her head that sound like children running and babies crying.  Well, I hope she had dreams of children laughing and playing and the only crying she hears is if they fall down and come to her for a hug and a kiss (or a penny!).  Same goes for all those old (and young) people where she lives now.  It is so sad to see people age, ungracefully.

Don't get me wrong, though, this was not a sad dream.  If it was sad I wouldn't have tried so hard to remember it.  It was really nice to visit that old house again!

judging

yesterday we went to blue jay park (pictures forthcoming) and we spent quite a bit of time in the sand pit.  there, we encountered an small, attractive, thin woman (about gina's size) and a meat-head looking husband and their child. the child was a little bigger than holly but not as big as kendal, and isn't really important in this story except that i thought it was sweet that she tried sand at which time the mama panicked a little!  not that i wouldn't have done the same thing...  not judging that part.  :) 

so the mom was very friendly and interacted with kendal and holly.  she was one of those loud-talker types that wanted you to hear everything she was saying.  like, when she was getting the snacks/lunch out for her daughter, she went into a spill about how she ate healthy and how "daddy" needed to eat healthier.  she went ON and ON about how important eating healthy was.

she was feeding the daughter veggie sticks (carrots).  not sure why she wasn't just calling them carrots, but anyway... i suppose she'd be one to call a grilled mushroom on a bun a mushroom burger.

i judged.  you know what she was drinking?  diet dr. pepper.  there is nothing healthy about a can full of cancer causing chemicals in an acid bath!!!  drink a water, woman.