recurring nightmare

don't know why it keeps coming.
don't know if it is something i eat, something i drink, something i do during the day.
years ago nathaniel gave me a lifehammer which worked like a tums for heartburn.  now it is back eating away at my night.

back with a vengeance.

its no secret that i lost my job.  and, with the loss of a job, was the loss of any hopes for a #3.  simply stated, it just isn't affordable.  and in so many ways i know it is great to have just 2.  i love the 2 i have.  they couldn't be any more perfect.

2 nights ago, the night after nathaniel's birthday, i kept dreaming it.  i crashed into the water and we were sinking.  i had to save them both, at the same time.  no way could i only take one and come back for the other.  what if i couldn't find the car?  what if i were too exhausted?  they both were going with me or none of us were going at all.

the lifehammer broke the window easy as pie.  the water was already filling the car, we were mostly submerged.  the kids were unhooked, glaring at me but not afraid.  i was moving fast, the water was cold and dark and muddy.  it was night.  i took one last breath and grabbed one with each arm, holding them tighter than a runningback that just caught a pass during the last 2 seconds of the superbowl.  i pushed my legs out the window and then wedged each child out next.  i kicked as hard as i could but my breath was nearly out.  we surfaced and i awoke with a dreadful feeling of "what if there were 3? which one would i leave?" 

i've already started getting rid ofur baby stuff.  giving it away, selling it, passing it on... i just can't keep it.  to keep it leaves room for more. 

in 3 weeks kendal will move up to a hand-me-down toddler bed.  that means his crib and crib set - that i shopped high and low for - will have to go.

life is bittersweet.