Monday, October 18, 2010

flashing lights, sirens, red alert

i've asked for help.  i'm not sure how else to say or ask for what i need.  but, noone has helped.  i guess that noone can help.

today was kendal and holly and my last "free" day.  tomorrow (as every tuesday), kendal has preschool.  next monday, i have to work at gymboree.  the monday after that, i start working 5 days a week.  it is one of the most dreaded moments in my life.

i'm not sure how to handle it.  i've not been sure how to handle myself all day today.

last night, i got away with myself.  i don't handle stress very well.  i KNOW that so i tend to avoid stressful situations when at all possible.  like, funerals, heated conversations, anything where there will be some emotion - i am just not good with it. when i get stressed, i tend to take it out on everyone else.  last night, kendal got the brunt of my emotion.  poor kid, i screamed at him.  over and over.  and, i still feel bad about it right this very moment.

i did it because i don't want to leave him.  and i just don't know how to stop what is happening.  i have to leave him.  and it makes me very, very sad.  i apologized to him and explained to him why i lost  my temper and he let me hug him and i'm sure he doesn't understand.  i'm not sure i understand myself.

i'm not sure anyone understands.  i've asked for help and it just doesn't seem like anyone really gets how much this hurts me.

i'm SO happy and fortunate to have gotten a job that i like and so i can help my family but i feel like i'm ripping my heart out in the process.  how much will my family suffer just so we can help ourselves?

i'm just not sure.  i've never been more stressed in my life.  i can't enjoy these last few days because of it.  i'm just so sad. 

i can't imagine being a military spouse.


  1. What you need to hear is that it'll be OK, and I'm here to tell you that it WILL be OK!

    Take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and have the confidence to realize that you have made the best decision...

  2. This just about made me cry. It brought back the dreadful memories of dropping Gabe off at Kids Kollege the first time-not my finest moment. It was hard, and I hated it, but just remember the first day will be the hardest. If you can get through that, the rest will seem like a piece of cake. If you have to cry all day at work, so be it. I know I did. Try to focus on how much fun Kendal will have!

  3. I'm so behind... I just saw this post.

    I remember the day I had to take G to daycare when I went back to work. Horrible. I cried all day. I was still nursing her, so when I pumped at work, I cried. I cried when I looked at her picture. I cried. Then I cried when I had to take F to daycare the first time. Then I have cried every 'first day of school'. It got better. Every day will get better. You (and they) will be okay.

    Spend as much time as a family as you can when you aren't working.

    Emily is right -- Kendal will have a blast!



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