i've asked for help. i'm not sure how else to say or ask for what i need. but, noone has helped. i guess that noone can help.
today was kendal and holly and my last "free" day. tomorrow (as every tuesday), kendal has preschool. next monday, i have to work at gymboree. the monday after that, i start working 5 days a week. it is one of the most dreaded moments in my life.
i'm not sure how to handle it. i've not been sure how to handle myself all day today.
last night, i got away with myself. i don't handle stress very well. i KNOW that so i tend to avoid stressful situations when at all possible. like, funerals, heated conversations, anything where there will be some emotion - i am just not good with it. when i get stressed, i tend to take it out on everyone else. last night, kendal got the brunt of my emotion. poor kid, i screamed at him. over and over. and, i still feel bad about it right this very moment.
i did it because i don't want to leave him. and i just don't know how to stop what is happening. i have to leave him. and it makes me very, very sad. i apologized to him and explained to him why i lost my temper and he let me hug him and i'm sure he doesn't understand. i'm not sure i understand myself.
i'm not sure anyone understands. i've asked for help and it just doesn't seem like anyone really gets how much this hurts me.
i'm SO happy and fortunate to have gotten a job that i like and so i can help my family but i feel like i'm ripping my heart out in the process. how much will my family suffer just so we can help ourselves?
i'm just not sure. i've never been more stressed in my life. i can't enjoy these last few days because of it. i'm just so sad.
i can't imagine being a military spouse.